


Two Weddings and a Funeral

by Figgy_puddin



Series: Dread Moon [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Dagna's dad kinda sucks, Deviates From Canon, F/F, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-10-24 13:01:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20706413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Figgy_puddin/pseuds/Figgy_puddin
Summary: “Shite licking, tit bastards.” Sera cried, as she collapsed down on the ground in a state...As Sera arrives in Skyhold, half of her friends are leaving. Not only that, but the Red Jennys are a mess and won't speak to each other and Dagna's father is refusing to come to the wedding. It's up to the gang to get everyone back to Skyhold before Sera returns from her trip with Dagna and sees that half of the people invited to her wedding haven't shown up.





	1. The problem with Red Jenny's

Hawke and Orana took one last look around Dorian, Bull and Merrill’s house, before they sat on the couch, which they placed in Merrill’s room, exhausted by the last-minute rush that was brought on by Hawke, who had once again, ignored all her mail until the last minute. Dorian had sent Hawke a long list of items, with a lot of gold, and requested that they sort out as much as they could before they arrived. Now they were a mere minutes away, and by some miracle, Hawke and Orana (mostly Orana) had managed to get almost everything on the list, while Hawke went through her basement, where she spent a lot of time procrastinating and very slowly sorting everything that survived the blast at Merrill’s house.

Hawke had managed to save a decent amount of her flower art, some potions and some smaller supplies, while Anders, who had once again disappeared, anonymously mailed ingredients to Hawke, with the instructions they go to Merrill. Hawke was annoyed that Anders had run off again without saying goodbye, but she at least appreciated that he’d made an effort to drop hints that he was alive. Plus he was with Alarion now, so at least there was someone around to make sure that he was safe, although that didn’t help Dorian not get kidnapped, so Hawke sometimes wondered if she should be more worried than she was.

“Some of the frames are still crooked,” Orana said, staring up at the pressed flower wall they had put together as a surprise for Merril.

“No they’re not,” Hawke said, staring at the ceiling.

“Yes, they are.”

“No, your head is just tilted funny,” Hawke insisted.

Orana sighed and averted her eyes. She knew this wasn’t an argument she was going to win, and Merrill probably wouldn’t even notice. Orana had missed the chaos that came with Hawke and her companions, as well as the small moments she had with Fenris, who she would sit and have tea with, in the mornings. He’d been away for some time, going back to Skyhold with Anders to help Alarion escape. Hawke had been incessantly needy while he was gone, with Varric dragging her out at night to keep the streets crime-free, so that Orana could have some time for herself. Then when he got back, he proposed to Hawke, so they’d been wrapped up in their own little world for a while, forgetting their rituals with Orana.

“Where is Varric, anyway?” Orana said, bringing herself back to reality.

“He probably got distracted getting the booze for the welcome party,” Hawke shrugged.

“Oh. Well, is there anything else you need?”

“No, you’re staying, right?”

“Oh, that might be wise; someone will need to tidy while you all catch up!”

“No, you’ll sit and drink with us, even if I have to pay you, Orana,” Hawke said, annoyed that Orana still didn’t accept that she was more than just a servant. Fenris had attempted to explain numerous times that Orana will always feel a bit like a slave, even though she has her freedom. She may get paid, but she’s still living with them, so it’s hard for her to break the cycle. Hawke viewed her like everyone else, friends on and off duty.

The two heard a commotion coming from the front door and rushed over. Varric came in first, carrying two crates filled with alcohol and promptly dropped it on the ground. He wiped the sweat off his face.

“Tiny and Sparkler should be on their way, their boat got here a while ago, but I sent Broody to distract them,” Varric stated, pleased with himself.

“Good, and you’re here just in time to fix the crooked art,” Hawke said, smirking to herself.

“Uh, you know I’m a dwarf, right?”

“Luckily, ladders exist then!” she said, quickly heading to the kitchen before Varric could make her help.

It took Fenris, Dorian, Bull and Merrill another hour before they arrived, it would have been sooner if Bull and Merrill hadn’t stopped at multiple different stalls to look at staffs and axes. Dorian was perfectly happy with the staff that Evelyn and Dagna had made him and felt a small pang of betrayal when he saw that Bull was shopping for something different. Though he never actually did buy anything.

When they arrived at their new home, the smell of rosemary and garlic hit them immediately. The entrance was large and welcoming; three couches surrounded a large fireplace, with a large square table centred in the middle. The other wall had cupboards built-in, each of which had their names engraved into the wood, with an extra which had “guests” carved into it. The bottom floor consisted of the entrance and lounge, an archway which led to a dining room and kitchen, as well as a small bathroom which was attached to a small guest room; this had previously been designed for slaves which Hawke, Fenris and Orana took a great deal of pleasure turning into a guest room.   
The stairs led to four bedrooms and two bathrooms, each separated by a small hall that divided the four rooms into two sections. Two rooms were for Merrill, and two were for Dorian and Bull.

Dorian took in the house with a big smile on his face, “This place is perfect!” he said multiple times. Bull particularly loved a crude picture Hawke had drawn (and signed Fenris’ name on) of Dorian and Bull in a rather compromising position, which she’d placed on their bedside table.

“Damn Fenris, I didn’t know you could draw like that!” Bull said, nudging him.

“Well, what can I say?” Fenris said shrugging, “Art is my passion, isn’t it, Hawke?”.

Hawke pouted, not expecting Fenris to play along with her little trick.

“We’re flush with gold now I’ve inherited everything; we must commission you to do more!” Dorian said, rubbing salt in the wound.

Merrill positively adored her rooms, throwing herself onto her bed and proclaiming that she was NEVER going to leave.

Once the tour was over, the group sat down at the table and began drinking. Fenris had hired some cooks to make them food, and they feasted on dinner while exchanging war stories and mocked each other mercilessly.  
…  
“You know, we come here to get married and have a party, and all these bastards left!” Sera said, pacing her room, while Dagna sat on the couch, watching Sera getting increasingly grumpy.

“Well, we did just kind of show up.”

“And? It’s not like I have some fancy talking crystal to contact them on!”

“We could have sent them a letter.”

“Arse we could have!”

“They said they’d be coming back though!”

“Shite licking, tit bastards.”

Sera collapsed down on the ground in a state, as someone knocked on her door.

“Go away!” Sera shouted grumpily.

Dagna jumped off the couch and stuck her head out the door, to greet a nervous Josephine.

“Hey, Josephine! What’s up?” she said cheerily.

“Well…there have been some developments regarding the guest list,” she whispered.

Dagna stepped out of the room and shut the door behind her.

“There cannot be any more problems Josephine! Sera is already sulking because Varric, Dorian and Bull aren’t here.”

“Yes, well, it gets worse. There are problems with some of the Red Jennies, including, but not limited to some neighbours fighting over a ram, both of which refuse to be in the same room unless the Inquisitor arrests and punishes one of them,” Josephine said, shaking her head.

“Well, that is a problem.”

“As well as that, your father is being…difficult, to put it kindly. He sent a very cold and formal letter saying he wasn’t going to attend the wedding; he says that he’s busy with the shop, I’ve sent a reply, of course, asking him to reconsider.”

“Well that’s a load of shit,” spat Dagna, causing Josephine to flinch, not having heard Dagna swear before.

“Also, Varric can’t make it, and I’m not sure if the others will come, they just got to Kirkwall, and after everything, I don’t know if Dorian would want to travel.”

“Unacceptable. Meet me at the war table and bring everyone with you, including Evelyn’s crystal so we can talk to the others, and do NOT let Sera find out,” Dagna snapped, storming off.

…

Evelyn, Cullen, Cassandra and Josephine gathered in the war room, with a crystal resting in the middle of the table so that a drunk Dorian, Bull, Merrill, Varric, Hawke and Fenris could listen in.  
Dagna pushed the doors open with force and strode into the room with purpose.

“Everyone listen up, Sera doesn’t show interest in things often, she tends to keep that stuff to herself, but this is important to her. Now all of you are going to show up at this wedding because you love Sera, and she loves you” Dagna said.

“I never said we weren’t going!” Dorian protested  
.  
“Varric did! That bastard!” Hawke shouted in the background.

“I can shuffle things! I’m not gonna get on Sera’s bad side,” Varric clarified.

“Good. As we all know, the Red Jennies are a mess, filled with regular folks trying to make a difference, but without the pressure of having to behave,” Dagna began pulling out papers and handing a different one to each person. “Each of you is tasked with solving an issue for them, once that’s done, I don’t care if you have to kidnap them or prop their lifeless bodies up in their designated seats, you will be getting them here for the wedding.”

“Won’t Sera notice we’re all gone?” questioned Cullen.

“No, we have some business to sort out with my father, so she won’t be here to notice anything.”

“We’ll get it done, Dagna,” Evelyn said, giving her a nod.

“Josephine will read out what you guys are all going to do, once you’ve finished, you’ll come to Skyhold.”

“Yes, Boss!” Bull shouted into the crystal.

“Bull you don’t need to shout, they can hear just fine!” Dorian whispered to him.

“Oh, I love bossy Dagna!” Merrill could be heard saying to Hawke.

“Red Jennies aren’t the only mess, Dagna,” Cassandra said, rolling her eyes at the conversation going on from the other end.

“Oh and Varric, you’ll have to meet up with Cassandra, you’ll be working together...” Dagna interrupted.

“Oh, boy!” Varric said sarcastically.


	2. A Simple Job - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evelyn and Cullen find themselves in a spot of trouble while helping 2 Red Jenny Dwarves solve the mystery of who is stealing their farm animals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really lame smut! Also, Cullen is totally a bit Dwarf racist, even if he won't admit it!

“So, let me get this straight,” Cullen said, scanning the instructions Dagna gave them one more time, “We must go to Crestwood, at the request of 2 Red Jennies, to punish one of them for stealing rams?”

“So, it seems, but I’m sure it’s not as straightforward as that, it never is,” Evelyn said.

“Well, can’t we just buy them a ram?”

“Yes, that’s probably a good idea, then we can work out what’s really going on.”

“Do we have to? This whole situation seems ridiculous!”

“Yes, it is, and yes, we do. These people are important to Sera; the last thing either of us wants to be responsible for is her losing her trust in the Red Jennies.”

“That’s true. The Red Jennies are the only thing she doesn’t hate.”

“She likes me!”

“Maker knows why!”

“Cullen!” Evelyn said, gasping and feigning offence. Cullen gave her a little wink, then climbed on his mount and began to race ahead of her.

“Cheeky shit!” she yelled, climbing on her mount, pushing it to catch up.

…

They rode for a few hours then stopped for lunch, stuffing their faces with sandwiches while discussing their plans in Crestwood.

“I say we threaten them,” Cullen said, only semi-joking.

“Why don’t we just kidnap them and have Viv freeze them in place?”

“Let’s move the wedding to their farm. They can watch from their windows.”

“We could steal all the rams and force them to pick them up in Skyhold!”

Cullen’s face lit up, “Yes! Then we could get Vivienne to freeze them!”

“Why would we need to freeze them if they’re already there?”

“Why not?”

“You raise good points, Cullen.”

“That is why you married me, or is it not?”

“No, I just really liked Pup,” Evelyn mumbled, mouth half full of sandwich.

….

It was almost midnight by the time Evelyn and Cullen made it to the edge of Crestwood. They tied their horses up and set up camp by a lake. It was unseasonably warm, so instead of pitching a tent, they chose to lay out and look at the stars.

Cullen rolled to his side to look at Evelyn, “You know, it’s nice to have some alone time,” he whispered, brushing a stray hair from out of her face.

“Just you, me and the bugs,” she laughed. “It is nice though, the past few months have been so busy, and it’s only going to get busier.”

“What are you thinking about doing with the Inquisition?”

“I’m not sure, Cull, I’m ready to settle and stop risking my life, but I’m not sure if these people Leliana has warned me about feel genuinely threatened by the Inquisition, or if they just want us gone for their own nefarious reasons.”

“Probably the latter. Dorian is technically still an ambassador, isn’t he?”

“Yes, he’ll be invaluable. What do you think about all this?”

“I, too, am uncomfortable completely disbanding the Inquisition, but I don’t see an issue disbanding some of the Inquisition. Those people will always be loyal to you, after all.”

“Plus, there’s us,” she said, reaching up to trace her finger along Cullen’s jawline. “It would be a damn shame to let the Rutherford line stop here when they’ve done so well so far.”

“You flatter me,” Cullen said, leaning in and gently kissing her on her forehead.

Evelyn pulled herself in close and kissed his lips, reaching under his shirt to touch his chest. Cullen pulled away to take his shirt off, and Evelyn followed suit. He paused to take all of her in, he had seen her shirtless plenty of times before, but Cullen always felt the same surge of excitement as he did the first time he saw her naked.

“Is something the matter?” Evelyn said, suddenly looking concerned.

Cullen gave her a huge smile. “Nothing, you’re just…” he seemed completely lost for words, “lovely,” he settled on, which didn’t truly describe how he felt about her, but it would have to do for now.

Evelyn pushed him down and climbed on top of him, leaning down to kiss him on his neck and gently biting his ear as she began to grind against him. Cullen, barely able to handle the teasing, climbed out of the bedroll to take his pants off, then held his hand out to help Evelyn up. Evelyn struggled to get her pants off and almost lost balance, causing them to both erupt into laughter at the abrupt change in mood. She finally kicked her pants off, and Cullen lifted her effortlessly.

She wrapped her legs around Cullen’s waist as he carried her over to a tree, propping her up against it. They began to kiss harder as he entered her, causing her to pull back and gasp. They had just started to find their rhythm when Evelyn suddenly asked him to stop.

“What is it?” Cullen said, completely confused.

“Cullen, you have me up against a tree. It might work in Varric’s romance novels, but the bark is scratching my back, and it’s just not realistic!”

“Shit, I didn’t even think of that!” He said embarrassed, carrying her back to their bedroll.

He laid her down gently and began to pepper kisses down her neck when she sat up and pushed him off her.

“You had your chance. It’s my turn!” Evelyn said, climbing on top of him.

“Oh no, whatever will I do?” Cullen said, throwing his arm across his forehead in distress.

Evelyn began to kiss down his neck until she reached his chest. She sat up and ran her fingernail down his chest, then gently traced around his nipples. Cullen let out a small moan and gripped onto her hips, gently pushing them so she’d rock back and forth, grinding on his cock.

Evelyn let him do this for a little while, as she teased and gently bit his nipples, causing him to grip tighter on her hips. When she felt he was getting a little TOO into it, she bit his nipple a little harder, causing him to jump in fright.

“Evelyn!” he cried.

She laughed and began working her way down until she was face level with his cock. She wrapped her mouth around it and began to tease its head with her tongue.. Cullen moaned loudly and wound his fingers through her hair, gently massaging her scalp as her head moved up and down. She began to move faster, using her tongue to tease him more, making sure he saw her reach down to touch herself as she gave him head.

“Evelyn, please, I don’t know how much longer I’ll last!” he begged.

Evelyn crawled up next to Cullen and kissed his forehead as he reached between her legs and inserted two fingers inside her. He used his thumb to rub just above her clit. She gripped him tightly as he began to move his thumb faster, applying a little more pressure, before slowing to a stop.

“You fucker!” Evelyn snapped, clawing at his hand as she tried to finish herself.

Cullen gave her a smug smile as he grabbed her legs and threw them above his shoulders, inserting himself, closing his eyes as he enjoyed the feeling of being inside her again.

He began to pump slowly, unsure of how much longer he could last. He leaned down and kissed her on the lips, working his way to her breast.

“Cullen, just fuck me!” she snapped, tired of being teased.

“I…I don’t think I’ll be able to...!”

“I do not care, just go!” she said and placed a pillow under her hips to cushion herself.

Cullen began to thrust harder and faster, causing them both to pant and moan with each thrust.

“I’m gonna…” he said, readying himself to pull out, but Evelyn wrapped her legs around him and reached down to rub herself, causing them to both orgasm, and Cullen to finish inside her.

He held himself still as he twitched inside her, then collapsed down next to her.

“Well, I hope you were sure about that,” he said, trying to gauge a reaction from Evelyn.

“Yes, I am,” she said, not quite ready to move and face him yet, “are you?”

“I’ve been ready since the moment I first saw you in Haven, Evelyn.”

“Smart man,” she said, rolling over and giving him another kiss, before getting up to clean herself up.

When she arrived back, Cullen had fallen asleep with no blanket. Evelyn sighed and muttered “men” to herself, while placing a blanket over him, to give him a bit of decency, then snuggled up next to him, falling asleep too.

…

It was mid-afternoon by the time Cullen and Evelyn had arrived at the two farms, after waking up late and rushing to collect the new ram.

“We can still turn around,” Cullen said, looking at the farm.

“You know, I would if I didn’t fear Dagna,” Evelyn said, giving him a knowing look.

The farm seemed to be one large plot that had a wooden fence going down the middle, with an identical house on each plot. The homes themselves looked lovely, but Evelyn had a bad feeling, nonetheless.

It didn’t take long for the chaos to begin. First, a rather heavy-set Dwarf came storming out of the house on the left, carrying a butcher knife. He was so mad, he didn’t notice the two bewildered people, still on their horses, as he hopped the fence and slammed his fists on the neighbour’s door.

“You’ll get out here this _ONCE_ and answer to your crimes, Gavil!” the man screamed.

A muffled voice shouted from behind the door, “Put the cleaver DOWN Rurik!”

“No, first you steal my ram, then you let my little Cuddles escape!”

“I did NOT! But I don’t blame whoever let that bleeding thing go!”

Evelyn looked at Cullen for some advice, who just helplessly shrugged his shoulders, and began to approach Rurik. Rurik, surprised, spun around and attempted to sink his knife into Cullen’s leg. Cullen gave the man a swift kick in the chest and sent him flying.

“This gentleman is supposed to be a Red Jenny?” Cullen asked, frowning as he looked back at Evelyn, who was having a hell of a time trying to wrangle the ram, who had got spooked by the yelling. Rurik laid on the ground, clinging to his chest.

The door opened, and another Dwarf stuck his head out. “Is it safe?” he said nervously.

“Do you plan on trying to cut my legs off too?” Cullen asked.

“No, sir!”

“Good,” he said, climbing off his horse, “I am Cullen Stanton Rutherford Trevelyan, Commander of the Inquisition, and this is Inquisitor Evelyn Maeve Rutherford Trevelyan, Herald of Andraste.” Both Cullen and Evelyn bowed, “we’ve been sent here on behalf of Sera, to resolve the issues going on between the two of you.”

“Good! Arrest that man! Behead him if need be!” Rurik panted, still trying to catch his breath.

“No! Arrest him! These accusations are baseless. If I stole his ram, why isn’t it on MY side?” Gavil questioned.

“Both of you knock it off and tell us exactly what happened,” Cullen interrupted, “You first,” he said, pointing at Rurik.

“I woke up one morning, and my best ram was just gone! Then I see ol’ Gavil here carrying out some fresh ram skin. The fucker killed my ram I’m telling you! And to top things off, my damn Mabari is gone!”

“It wasn’t fresh! It’d been hanging for days Rurik! I’ve been telling you this, and I didn’t go near your Mabari!”

“Has anything of yours gone missing, Gavil?” Cullen questioned.

“Yes, two of my chickens, my _best_ two, I’m sure in retaliation for the thievery I didn’t commit!”

“I didn’t touch your fuckin’ chickens Gavil!”

“Are there extra chickens on Rurik’s side?” Evelyn asked.

“No, the fat bastard probably ate them!”

Rurik picked his knife up again and launched at Gavil. Cullen rolled his eyes and picked him up easily. Rurik swung his knife, hitting Cullen’s armour, which caused Evelyn to slam her staff down, sending a small jolt of electricity to Rurik’s hand, forcing him to drop the cleaver.

“If you could NOT kill my husband, that would be fantastic,” she said, the frustration showing in her voice, “Here’s the thing. I don’t think either of you did this. I think someone else is involved, so the Commander and I are going to keep watch for the next few nights, to see if anything nefarious is going on.”

Cullen carried Rurik and placed him over the fence, on to his side of the farm, and walked back to his horse.

…

Cullen and Evelyn headed into town to pick up some supplies for their stakeout. Evelyn picked up some healing herbs and a cloak for her and Cullen to use to blend into the darkness. Cullen took his swords to get sharpened at the blacksmith and had the scratch the butcher knife left buffed out of his armour. He found her standing at a fruit cart, holding up some exotic spiky fruit to the light, while a salesman looked on eagerly.

“So how do you eat this…thing?” Evelyn asked the salesman.

“Durian!” The salesman corrected, “You just cut it and eat it. It’s a delicacy, Inquisitor!” he said, pushing the fruit forward as if to insist she needed to keep it.

“What exactly does it taste like?”

“Sweet! Like a melon, or a banana.”

“Fascinating! It doesn’t hurt to try something new, right?” She said, handing over a few silver coins.

He accepted the coins and bowed to her. She turned around and held the strange fruit up to Cullen, who eyed it suspiciously.

“Evelyn, I’m a grown man, I need more than a strange fruit for dinner,” he said, pushing it away from him.

“Yes, yes, we’ll grab some meat too,” she said, dismissing Cullen’s complaints, “but isn’t this interesting? It’s called a Dorian!”

“Oh, that’s what his ego needs, a fruit named after him,” Cullen said, rolling his eyes.

The two picked out dinner and headed back to the farm to get ready to camp out.

…

“Inquisitor, Commander!” Gavil shouted, running over to them as they arrived back to the farm.

“Is everything ok, Rurik?” Cullen asked, only to feel a sharp kick in the back of his leg, “What?” he snapped.

“How can we help you, GAVIL,” she said, looking at Cullen.

“I’ve prepared some dinner for you both for your troubles!”

“What a lovely idea! We’d love to join you, wouldn’t we Cullen?”

“Yes, sure,” he said, slightly annoyed that this was going to chew up his alone time with Evelyn.

Gavil’s house was surprisingly warm and homey, with all kinds of herbs and spices adorning the walls, as well as some dried meats hanging near the fire. His house had two levels, though upstairs was just a platform that consisted of a bed and a wardrobe.

Cullen and Evelyn sat at the dining table, which was slightly too small for them, and relaxed as Gavil began to mess about in the kitchen.

“You see,” Gavil started, “My mother drops off groceries for me each week, I don’t need it, but she likes to fuss, though she was early this week!”

“That’s lovely of her, what are we having?” Evelyn asked.

“Stag stew, it’s been cooking for a while, so not too much longer now!”

Cullen began to relax, his love for stag stew outweighing the fact that they were pulling an all-nighter for two dwarves that he, unlike his wife, thought were stealing from each other. Gavil grabbed three bowls and served each of them stew. He laid out some bread he prepared earlier and offered up some garlic butter, which he claimed was his speciality.

As they settled in, they heard a loud thumping at the door.

“Let me in! You can’t be sweet-talking the Inquisitor without me present, thief!” Rurik yelled from outside the door.

“Yes, because she had such a good impression, to begin with,” Cullen said, rolling his eyes as he had his first bite of stew.

“Oh, let him in Gavil,” Evelyn said, in between slurps of stew, “better to have him here than yelling out there!” she added, attempting to be diplomatic as she shovelled stew into her mouth. Cullen gave her a surprised glance, not used to her lapsing in her manners, then reached out to wipe a bit of soup that had begun to dribble from the side of her mouth.

“You’ve been hanging around Hawke too much,” Cullen noted, wiping the soup onto his pants. Evelyn shrugged and continued to eat like she hadn’t seen food in weeks.

Gavil opened the door and let Rurik in. Rurik promptly helped himself to Gavil’s stew, that was still sitting on the table, forcing Gavil to serve himself a new bowl.

“You know, Commander, I get the feeling you don’t like us Dwarfs very much?” Rurik said, rather smugly.

“I like Dwarves just fine. I simply don’t like you.” Cullen clarified.

“I don’t know Cull, you’ve been rather aggressive,” Evelyn said, enjoying seeing how Cullen could talk his way out of this.

“I don’t hate dwarves!”

“Prove it,” Rurik said.

“Well, I’m great friends with Varric, he’s a Dwarf!”

“Oh look at me, I’m a big tall man with one Dwarven friend!” Rurik mocked.

“I’m pretty sure you weren’t such great friends in Kirkwall either,” Evelyn added.

“Dagna, I’m here for her, aren’t I?”

“We’re really here for Sera!”

“Will you shut up Evelyn!” Cullen snapped, frustrated.

“I will when you admit you hate Dwarves!”

“This is ridiculous, I’ll meet you in the forest when you’re done playing with your little friends here,” he snapped, standing up.

“Did you just call us little?!” Rurik gasped.

Cullen took a big breath in, ready to defend his Freudian slip when his head began spinning. He leaned forward and grabbed onto the table, then tried to sit, shoving his half-eaten stew out the way.

“Cullen?!” He heard Evelyn say, alarmed.

“Somethings not right,” He tried to say, looking over at Evelyn.

He saw her try to stand up, then collapse back down again, falling face-first into the bowl. It shattered, and the last thing he saw was blood beginning to pour from her cheek before he blacked out.

...

Cullen opened his eyes. His thoughts felt thick as he tried to piece together what happened. He raised his head, which was pounding from him collapsing onto the table when he passed out, and it took a second to take in what happened in the room.

The two Dwarves were still passed out. Rurik, near the door, and Gavil, who had fallen off his chair as he’d blacked out.

He looked over to where he last saw Evelyn and his heart stopped.

Evelyn was gone, and all that was left was a pool of blood and a broken bowl. He stood up in a panic, and felt a head rush, forcing him to sit down again.

“Calm down, Cullen,” he muttered to himself, “There has to be a clue somewhere.”

He slowly stood up again, making sure he wasn’t going to pass out and looked around the room.

He noticed there was a long drag mark that started from where Evelyn was sitting, which lead to the front door. Cullen followed these tracks and stepped over Rurik as he opened the front door.

He stepped out, but couldn’t see anything useful, as it had already gone dark, so he had no choice but to go back inside.

As he turned, he noticed a letter that had been stabbed into the door with a dagger.

_ **“Dear commander,** _

_ **Unfortunately for you, the two Dwarves you chose to protect have been stealing from me.   
Because of this, I’ve decided to keep your lovely wife until my cattle are returned.”** _

“Those FUCKING Dwarves!” He yelled, angrily kicking the door, causing it to swing wide open.

He grabbed Rurik and shook him, causing him to let out a loud groan as he came to. He dropped Rurik down and went for Gavil, who had come to and quickly crawled away from Cullen.

“Both of you, sit down, NOW!” he shouted, causing the two of them to rush to the table and sit down next to each other.

“W...what’s going on?” Gavil stuttered, looking at Cullen fearfully.

“Well, Gavil, I’m glad you asked. Apparently, two Dwarves matching your description have been stealing cattle, and for some reason, the victim has decided to take my wife, you know, the fucking Inquisitor, hostage until said cattle are returned,” he said, leaning in close to the two dwarves, “so, who is going to tell me what happened?”

“I don’t know nothin’ about stolen cattle!” Rurik shrieked.

“So you’re telling me, someone is just making it up then?” Cullen said, with a hint of sarcasm.

“I got my animals from Gavil, fair and square, and I ain’t giving them up!”

Cullen, filled with rage, forced himself to walk away from the table before he completely lost his cool. As he turned his back, he heard a small thump, then footsteps that were heading to the door. He turned around to see Gavil trying to sneak out of the house.

“Don’t take another step, Gavil,” He hissed.

“Rat!” Rurik snapped at Gavil, as he sheepishly went back to his seat.

“Tell me what happened, so we can go and get my wife back!”

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I truly suck at writing smut even though I'm a grown woman and I'm sorry!


	3. A Simple Job - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen discovers his wife, the inquisitor, is missing and discovers that all is not as it seems with the red jenny dwarves...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a shorter one here! I felt like it was just a tad too long for the last chapter

Cullen opened his eyes. His thoughts felt thick as he tried to piece together what happened. He raised his head, which was pounding from him collapsing onto the table when he passed out, and it took a second to take in what happened in the room.

The two Dwarves were still passed out. Rurik, near the door, and Gavil, who had fallen off his chair as he’d blacked out.

He looked over to where he last saw Evelyn and his heart stopped.

Evelyn was gone, and all that was left was a pool of blood and a broken bowl. He stood up in a panic, and felt a head rush, forcing him to sit down again.

“Calm down, Cullen,” he muttered to himself, “There has to be a clue somewhere.”

He slowly stood up again, making sure he wasn’t going to pass out and looked around the room. He noticed there was a long drag mark that started from where Evelyn was sitting, which lead to the front door. Cullen followed these tracks and stepped over Rurik as he opened the door.

Cullen stepped out, but couldn’t see anything useful, as it had already gone dark, so he had no choice but to go back inside.

As he turned, he noticed a letter that had been stabbed into the door with a dagger.

** _“Dear commander,_ **

** _Unfortunately for you, the two Dwarves you chose to protect have been stealing from me. Because of this, I’ve decided to keep your lovely wife until my cattle are returned.”_ **

“Those FUCKING Dwarves!” He yelled, angrily kicking the door, causing it to swing wide open.

He grabbed Rurik and shook him, causing him to let out a loud groan as he came to. He dropped Rurik down and went for Gavil, who had come to and quickly crawled away from Cullen.

“Both of you, sit down, NOW!” he shouted, causing the two of them to rush to the table and sit down next to each other.

“W...what’s going on?” Gavil stuttered, looking at Cullen fearfully.

“Well, Gavil, I’m glad you asked. Apparently, two Dwarves matching your description have been stealing cattle, and for some reason, the victim has decided to take my wife, you know, the fucking Inquisitor, hostage until said cattle are returned,” he said, leaning in close to the two dwarves, “so, who is going to tell me what happened?”

“I don’t know nothin’ about stolen cattle!” Rurik shrieked.

“So you’re telling me, someone is just making it up then?” Cullen said, with a hint of sarcasm.

“I got my animals from Gavil, fair and square, and I ain’t giving them up!”

Cullen, filled with rage, forced himself to walk away from the table before he completely lost his cool. As he turned his back, he heard a small thump, then footsteps that were heading to the door. He turned around to see Gavil trying to sneak out of the house.

“Don’t take another step, Gavil,” He hissed.

“Rat!” Rurik snapped at Gavil, as he sheepishly went back to his seat.

“Tell me what happened, so we can go and get my wife back!”

...

"We were hired as servants for a warrior named Sabina Crefelon. She offered reasonable pay to cook for her each day. Rurik and I are good cooks, and we earned our keep, but when it was time to be paid, our gold never came," Gavil explained, his face twisted with anger.

"The bitch told us we weren't leaving. She put guards on us so we couldn't run off," Rurik added.

"she worked us to the bone, we cooked, cleaned and tended to the farm animals. In the end, we barely had time to sleep. We'd wake up before sunrise, and go to bed far after the sunset," Gavil said, "The farm animals were hungry, Sabina would refuse to buy quality food for them, and the grass in the fields didn't grow fast enough for the rate they were eating."

"One day, Gavil asked for food for the horses. She refused, and one died. We'd had enough, and decided to plan our escape, but Gavil wanted to bring the fuckin' animals with him."

"Well, Rurik, I wasn't going to let more animals die, was I?"

Rurik rolled his eyes and slumped down, obviously disinterested in sharing the rest of the story.

"So we hatched a plan, we cooked dinner, not unlike now, and well...We did to them, what they just did to us, except we took their livestock, and they took the Inquisitor." 

Cullen stayed quiet, staring at both of them, waiting to see if they'd crack and add more to their story. When he was satisfied that they were telling the truth, he spoke.

"Is Sabina heavily guarded?" he asked.

"Not particularly, commander, she's very confident in her abilities," replied Gavil.

"Well, let's go then, and bring the damned livestock!" Cullen snapped.

"No fuckin' way am I givin' that bitch her shit back," Rurik said, raising his voice.

"You WILL give her 'her shit' back, and you'll come work for us, where you'll be paid," Cullen clarified, impatiently.

...

It took a few hours to get to Sabina's home, what with wrangling all the animals. When they finally arrived, they were escorted in by a guard. They entered the lounge area, where they found Evelyn sitting across from Sabina, sipping a tea as if she hadn't just been drugged and kidnapped. 

"Cullen! I'm so glad you finally came for me!" Evelyn said as she stood to hug him.

"Yes, are...are you ok darling?" he asked, totally confused.

"Oh yes, Sabina didn't want to hurt me, she just wanted her animals back."

"Well, it seems there's been a problem here that we need to sort out..."

"Oh?"

"Sabina here," he said, gesturing at her, "kept our two Dwarf friends as slaves and left the animals malnourished."

Evelyn turned to Sabina, who looked utterly confused, "Is this true, Sabina?"

Sabina stood from the couch and walked over to Rurik.

"Rurik," she started, "why don't you tell them what really happened?"

"Don't know what you're fuckin' talkin' about."

"Well, I guess it's up to me to tell them then, please, everyone take a seat," She said, gesturing to the chairs, "and Rurik, don't bother running, I can throw a dagger quicker than you can run to the door."

Rurik huffed and sat on the ground in defiance, crossing his arms and pouting like a petulant child. 

"When they first applied for the job, Rurik came alone. He explained that he and his brother were looking to make some money, and were 'fuckin' good cooks', to quote him directly. I hired him and Gavil, and before Rurik left, he explained that Gavil was a bit slow and that it was Rurik's job to handle the money."

"He WHAT?" Gavil shouted.

"Yes. When I met Gavil, I presumed it to be true, due to how oddly he acted around me."

"I was nervous! She's a beautiful woman!" he clarified; his face growing red. Sabina gave him a sympathetic smile. 

"So, each week I'd pay Rurik, and each week he'd volunteer to do more work for more gold, so I obliged. Suddenly my livestock is gone, and my two workers are gone!"

Cullen frowned, the story not making complete sense to him. 

"What about the starving animals?" he asked. 

Sabina's hands curled into fists as she looked straight at Rurik.

"I gave this man a stipend to fetch food for the animals every week!"

"You didn't notice the animals were starving?" Cullen queried.

"Yes, and we gave him more coins to get better food, he said they were beginning to fatten up!"

"Is this true, Rurik?" Evelyn asked.

"I don't have to say nothin' to you two," he said, averting eye contact. 

"Right. I've had about enough of this," Cullen said, standing up, "Gavil, you're welcome to join us at the inquisition, Sabina, what would you like done with Rurik?"

"We have our animals back, it's up to Gavil, I think." 

Gavil stared at Rurik, who showed no remorse over his thievery. 

"He should work off his debt. After you can do what you want with him," he turned to Evelyn, "he should be removed from the red jennies too."

"Of course." She said, nodding.

"I'm incredibly sorry for the misunderstanding," Gavil said sincerely, bowing at Sabina.

"You are forgiven; you took excellent care of my animals while they were in your possession," Sabina said, nodding.

"Right," Cullen said, clapping his hands together, "we should head back now."

"Yes, thank you for your hospitality, I couldn't have asked for a kinder kidnapper," Evelyn said, giving Sabina a wink.

“We’ll be in touch...” Sabina nodded back to her, eyeing Rurik.

Cullen tied Rurik to the horse as they prepared to leave, when Sabina interrupted them one last time.

“Evelyn, dear, do make sure you have Rurik help you open that fruit you were telling me about, I’m sure he’ll love it.”

Evelyn frowned but gave her a nod, and they set off back to Skyhold, with two guests in tow.


	4. No Rest For The Wicked - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassandra and Varric head to Orzammar to find Blackwall, only to discover that not only is he not there, but Varric is less than welcome underground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I hope you like this chapter, it was a lot of fun to write! I'm really liking Cassandra and Varric's dynamic!

Cassandra wiped the sweat from her forehead. Varric had insisted they take a shortcut in the tunnels, which they found to be overrun with darkspawn, causing the alternative route to be almost twice as long as the main. The two hacked and slashed through Genlocks effortlessly, and Cassandra would have been mad at Varric if she hadn't been enjoying being out in the field again.

Cassandra laughed as she plunged her sword into the final genlock, causing it to collapse and slide further down her weapon. Varric, who was attempting to pull a precious arrow that had lodged itself deep into the skull of another darkspawn, looked up at her with a mix of disgust and curiosity painted on his face.

"You uh...You need a minute there, Seeker?" He said, giving his arrow one more hard yank, causing brain matter to flick onto his boots, "Ugh!" he said, kicking his foot forward to get it off. He watched the goo fly and land on Cassandra's shield.

"Well done, Varric," she said, shaking her head.

"You're the one who insisted on collecting Hero. I just wanted to write a nice letter!" he protested.

"Oh Varric, I do wish you'd stop calling him Hero, it's entirely undeserved," she said sternly, using her sword to scrape the muck off her shield.

"You know, not everything is black and white, Cass," he said, starting the journey down the tunnels, "Sometimes you'll find that people change, or just aren't who you think they are."

"Thom killed an entire family, stole a man's identity and lied to the Inquisition, and you're saying we should trust him? Hail him a hero for coming clean? For behaving?!"

"Remember when you first met me? You interrogated me for days! Now look at us, we're great friends!" he said, slapping Cassandra on the back, causing her to look at him disapprovingly.

"He lied to the Inquisitor, he risked us all," she said, her brow furrowing.

"I lied too. I didn't tell anyone about Hawke, should I be cast aside, even after all I've done to help the Inquisition?"

"Probably, yes."

"Seeker, we all fuck up, it's what we do after that matters, Blackwall..." Cass frowned at him, "...Thom, he was instrumental to the Inquisition, and he’s actually helped with the Grey Wardens too. Carver said he's been exceptionally helpful down here. And look at Anders, he healed people for years, he saved Curly, he's not inherently bad either."

"I do not trust him, and I'm not sure I trust you either," she said, giving him a sharp look.

"I expect nothing less, Seeker."

"None of those things makes him a hero, you know?" she added.

"They do to me," Varric said, pausing for a second to choose his words carefully. "Innocent people have lost their lives because of us too."

Cassandra stopped in her tracks. "What do you mean?"

"Nobody wins in war and politics, Seeker. People starve, get caught in the crossfire, are forced to fight for the other side and get killed with little regard."

"I see your point," She said, moving again, "What Thom did just feels different to me."

"I understand, it's certainly not up to us to forgive or forget though."

"You know, you're quite wise for an old Dwarf," she said, smiling as she looked down at him.

"Hawke says they drink at Tapster's tavern in the evenings," Varric said, quickly changing the subject.

"Good. We need a place to rest up and eat after your shortcut."

"I've never seen so many genlocks here!"

"Well, we're almost there, let's just keep going," she said, not interested in any more conversation.

Cassandra and Varric walked in silence for the next hour or so until they arrived in the heart of the Orzammar commons, where they stopped to take in the hustle and bustle of the area, which seemed to be especially busy. Varric pointed at a burly red-headed dwarf who was doing his best to shout above the crowd. His stall consisted of a few cages filled with Nugs, and meat hanging off the awning of his stall.

"What?" Cassandra said, confused, as Varric headed towards the man.

"Nug meat, please," Varric said.

"Hmm, risky selling to the likes of you," the man said, looking him up and down.

"Boermor, right?" he asked.

The man stayed silent.

"Like me or not, I'm part of the Inquisition, and I have a lot of gold. More than your nugs are worth," he said, lifting out a coin purse that was previously attached to his belt.

Boermor held his hand out, and Varric gave him a few coins.

"I heard the Inquisition was disbanding," Boermor said, finally breaking the silence.

"I suppose that's up to the Inquisitor," he said, shrugging. Boermor handed him a few skinned nugs tied together with string, and Varric walked back to Cassandra.

"What was the point of that?"

"You'll see," Varric said.

It didn't take long to find the Tavern, as it was one of the most popular places. Cassandra walked in and went straight to the bar, with Varric dawdling behind her, taking his time.

"Two rooms please," she said, dropping some coin on the bar.

"I'll have a beer please," Varric added.

The bartender took the coin and gave Varric a dark look.

"One room and we don't serve the casteless here," she said.

"Then give me half my coin back!" Cassandra snapped.

"Will he be staying with you?" she said, looking Varric up and down.

"Yes, we're here on official Inquisition business!"

"Then, the room is double."

Cassandra's jaw tightened, and her expression changed to a look Varric knew all too well.

"You'll put an extra bed in the room, dinner is on the house, and you'll give us two beers," Cassandra said, practically nose to nose with the bartender.

"One bed, free dinner for you and one beer," She said, not flinching, "for you."

"Two beers, and you'll allow me to purchase whatever I want for my friend here," She said, gesturing at Varric.

"Aww, we're friends?!" Varric gushed, half-joking, half surprised that she'd admit she was even somewhat fond of him.

"Shut up!" The two women snapped at once. Varric held his hands up and took a step back

"You can purchase two of anything, but the second is double. And I'll need an extra two gold for the bed," the bartender said, holding her hand out.

"Fine!" Cassandra huffed, dropping an extra two coins in her hand.

"Wait here," she said, walking off.

"You know Varric, you could have warned me!" she snapped, "This is coming out of your expenses!"

"I'll pay for the beer, but I told you to write a letter!" Varric protested.

"Is there anything else I should know?!"

Varric smiled at her.

"What?" she snapped.

"Friieeennnd," he said, leaning in and holding his hands up as he blinked his eyes at her.

"Ugh!”

"Aww, I like you too, Seeker!"

The bartender appeared again and gestured them both to come over. They followed her to a room at the end of a long hall. She shoved the key into the door, then turned the lock.

The room was small. A single bed sat in the corner of the room, a dresser to the left and a fireplace which was freshly lit. In the middle of the room, a blanket had been thrown on the ground, with a musty old pillow next to it.

"Thank you so much!" Varric said, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

The woman rolled her eyes and walked out, shutting the door behind her.

Varric reached into his bed and pulled out a bedroll, kicking the dirty blanket aside. He walked up to the fire and hung his nugs, hoping they'd be good to eat by morning.

"Ugh, your bedroll!" Cassandra said, shaking her head.

"You seemed so determined to get me a bed. I didn't want to interrupt!"

"Honestly, Maker knows what I did to be stuck with you."

"You must have been good in your past life!"

"Just shut up," she snapped

"You sure, boss? Last time you told me to shut up, you paid double for a bed I didn't need."

"You know, Varric, I don't think Evelyn would miss you that much," she hissed, reaching for her blade.

"But who would keep writing _Sword and Shield_ for you?"

Cassandra pushed Varric aside and left the room, muttering about having filet dwarf for dinner.

....

The two stuck around the bar for a few days, hoping that Blackwall would show up, but of course, it's never that easy, so they decided to look around a bit. Varric lost Cassandra in the crowd, so he decided to purchase some parchment so he could write a little side story as an apology for being a pain in Cassandra's rear for the past few days.

He headed back to their room and put the quill to paper

He sat, scrawling and scrunching up the paper until the candle was about to go out, then gave up and headed out to the bar. He paid another dwarf to buy him up with a few rounds of ale, then relaxed and waited until Cassandra showed up again.

Varric had lost track of time when he heard a familiar voice.

"You're the most stubborn man I've ever met, you know that?" the voice said.

"We don't need any help. The grey wardens sent us to deal with this by ourselves, so that's what we'll do!"

Varric slid himself off the chair and felt the room spin. He steadied himself on the table, then slowly made his way to the two men who were arguing.

"Just the men we were looking for!" Varric said, slurring slightly. He slapped both the men on the back, causing them both to lurch forward a little. Or maybe it was just Varric's vision. He wasn't too sure, but he was impressed with himself none the less.

"Varric!" Blackwall said excitedly, pulling him in for a side hug, "see Carver, it all works out!"

"Yes, I suppose so," he muttered, "Hello Varric," he said, with much less enthusiasm than Blackwall.

"What are you doing here?" Blackwall asked, ignoring Carver's usual sour attitude.

"Our girl's wedding, you think we were gonna just let you miss Sera's nuptials?"

"He'd love to go, but we have more pressing issues here," CarverCarver interrupted.

"Aw, Junior! You can come too. I'm sure Sera will..." Varric paused for a second, lost for words, "tolerate you?"

"I'm afraid he's right," Blackwall sighed, "we can't go until we help these people, and we could use your help."

"Blackwall!" Carver snapped.

"What's the problem?" Varric asked.

"Brood mother, bigger than usual," Blackwall clarified.

"Shit."

"Do you think you could spare some time to help us?" Blackwall asked.

Varric was about to speak when he saw Cassandra enter. She walked in carrying a large bag, and b-lined straight for their room, with her head down.

"Seeker!" Varric yelled, trying to get her attention. She froze for a moment, then kept walking, faster than before, and disappeared into the hall.

"That was..." Varric said.

"Odd." Blackwall cut in, finishing the sentence.  


They both stood up and headed for Varric and Cassandra's room, leaving CarverCarver to make the quick decision to leave their beers and follow the two of them. When they got to the room, Cassandra had locked the door.

"Seeker?" Varric said, knocking on the door

"Go away!" she called out.

"Are you ok?"

"Don't be absurd, Varric, I'm fine!" She shouted back.

Varric pressed his ear against the wall and could hear a small cry coming from inside.

"Cass, come on, let me in!" he pleaded, worried that Cassandra might be crying.

"NO!" she shouted angrily.

"You know he's a rogue right? This conversation is just courtesy." Carver chimed in, frustrated at the back and forth.

"Who is that?" Cassandra demanded.

"Carver, Hawke's baby brother! Blackwall is here too!" Varric said.

"I have held my own for years, Varric, I refuse only to be known as the other Hawke! You've stayed in powerful women's shadows FAR more than I have, maybe I should call you the Inquisitor's lacky?"

"You're damn lucky Anders was around, little Hawke, because I don't think I would ha..." Varric was cut off by the door creaking open

"Look, I'm fine, now go away!" Cassandra snapped.

Blackwall stuck his boot in the door before she was able to slam it shut, and forced the door open. Cassandra rushed to her bed and stuffed something back in the bag. Whatever was in there, had begun moving, trying to get out. The three men stood at the door, looking expectantly at Cassandra.

  


"This is entirely inappropriate. I might have been doing anything in here!" She said, trying to hide the bag behind her.

"I thought you were crying!" Varric said.

"Well I'm not, I'm fine, we can leave in the morning. I think you should stay with these two. I need my privacy."

"Are we just going to ignore the moving bag?" Carver asked.

Cassandra sighed and gently dragged the bag next to her. She reached in and pulled out a small mutt. The dog excitedly wagged his tail while trying to lick her. He wriggled out of her hands and pounced at Carver. He knelt and scratched the dog on his ear, causing him to stamp his foot on the ground in pure ecstasy.

"You're a beautiful boy!" Carver said, finally sounding happy for the first time.

"His name is Vincent. I found him in the alley, and I couldn't just leave him alone!" She said, with a hint of panic in her voice.

"Who knew the seeker was such a softy!" Varric said, joining CarverCarver on the ground to scratch Vince's belly.

"I wanted a dog, I quite enjoyed looking after Pup," She said, a small smile appearing as Blackwall joined in too, relieved that she didn't have to keep the dog a secret.

"Well Seeker, I hope he doesn't mind travelling because we've got a brood mother to kill!" Varric said with a massive smile on his face.

"Nothing is ever just easy, is it? I was hoping for a few days away from my duties" Cassandra said, huffing.  
  
"No rest for the wicked, seeker!"  
  
"Speak for yourself, Varric." She said, herding them out the door so she could have some alone time.


	5. No Rest For The Wicked - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassandra, Varric, Blackwall and Carver attempt to take down the brood mother with a little help from some friends.

Cassandra woke to an almighty snore. She sat up and rubbed her eyes. The room was still dark, and her eyes hadn't adjusted to it, so Cass reached around to feel for Vince, who was no longer sound asleep and snuggled in under the blankets. Another snore came from the darkness, causing Cassandra to jump out of bed and grab the emergency dagger that she always left on her bedside table.

"SHOW YOURSELF!" She yelled, holding her dagger tightly, ready to strike. She took a step forward, only to fall over a lump on the ground.

"blarg!" the voice cried out, in complete shock.

Cassandra launched forward and pinned the person down, holding her knife to his throat. Next to her, she heard a strange groan, which caused her to panic more. She pushed the knife further into the intruder's throat, making it so they couldn't respond, even if they wanted to.

She felt something brush up against her, then begin to bounce around.

"Wha...?" was all she managed to say before she felt the second intruder lick her face.

"Vince! No!" she shouted. In her moment of distraction, the intruder shoved her off and crawled backwards.

"It's me! It's Carver!" he choked, holding onto his throat, feeling a few drops of blood roll down, from where Cassandra had pressed the knife too hard.

"What are you DOING!" she said, trying to wrangle Vince, who thought it was playtime and was bouncing around, trying to make her play with him.

"Varric and Blackwall kicked me out!"

"And you didn't think to wake me and tell me?!"

"You looked cosy! I didn't want to wake you!"

"Maker help me!" she muttered, then got back into bed, "Why are you letting the likes of Varric push you around?" she asked.

"I just wanted some quiet, we're dealing with the brood mother tomorrow, and those two wouldn't shut up!"

"Fine."

...

"I say, we just go in and fight," Varric suggested.

"Yes, that's always gone well in the past," Cassandra said, rolling her eyes.

"One of us needs to constantly keep her distracted," Blackwall added.

Carver grabbed the salt and pepper, as well as three beers.

"These two beers are Blackwall and me, this one is the broodmother, the pepper is Cass -- Seeker Pentaghast, I mean, and the salt is Varric," he said shifting each item.

"Shouldn't you be salt?" Varric asked, getting a look from Carver.

"She can't move, but she can whip us well. I say that myself and Blackwall get close, and Cassandra protects Varric."

"So I'm to protect Varric, that's it?" Cassandra asked, sternly.

"Yes."

"And who will be watching your back?"

"We'll be fine!" Carver clarified, shocked she'd even suggest he'd need someone to watch his back.

"Then let's go," she said, standing up and heading to her room. A moment later she appeared with her backpack, as well as Vince in tow.

"You cannot take the mutt," Carver protested.

"Watch me," she said, walking straight past him.

The four of them headed into the tunnels, hacking and slashing their way through mindless darkspawn with ease. Carver attempted to take the lead multiple times, only to have Blackwall or Cassandra yank him back, causing him to mutter expletives under his breath about being a Grey Warden for the longest.

A thick, eye-watering smell began to permeate through the air, causing each of them to block their noses and moan in disgust.

"I don't know what's worse," Varric started, "smelling it or breathing it in."

"You're breathing it in either way," Blackwall shrugged.

"I'd rather smell it than taste it," Carver added, coughing.

"How can it keep getting worse?" Cassandra complained.

As they got closer, the ground began to turn a brownish red, and bodies laid strewn across the place. The smell of rotten flesh began to become almost unbearable, causing both Cassandra and Carver to have to be sick multiple times. The floor turned from blood to a fleshy substance that nobody wanted to question.

"Are we sure it's wise to go in now?" Cassandra asked, hoping they might change their minds and turn back, but nobody responded to her. She continued to fight between holding her breath for as long as possible, then gasping for air, and taking small gentle breaths, hoping she'd get used to the smell of rotting flesh. As they finally made it to the opening, where the broodmother awaited, they crouched behind a boulder to have one last discussion.

"It’s..." Cassandra started, peaking from behind the boulder to take another look at the monstrosity.

"Carver's girlfriend," Varric said, making himself laugh, then choking due to the smell.

"Honestly, let's get this done!" Carver snapped, silently hoping that Varric would choke himself into permanent silence.

As they readied themselves, Cassandra placed a rock on Vince's lead so that he couldn't get himself into trouble. As she bent down to give him one last scratch, she felt a rumble come from beneath them, then a whipping noise, which caused her to throw herself back and land hard on the ground.

"It knows we're here! CHARGE!" Blackwall screamed.

Carver pulled Cassandra off the ground; whose hand had gotten stuck in what she presumed to be a flesh nest, and they both ran forward, chasing after Blackwall.

The tentacles shot up around the broodmother to protect her from the attacks, and the three warriors began hacking away at them, as Varric hung back and shot arrows at her, trying to blind her. The tentacle Cassandra was stabbing disappeared back into the ground, causing Cass to freeze for a moment, only to snap out of it when she heard Varric calling for help.

She ran over and launched herself on the tentacle that had taken ahold of Varric, furiously stabbing at it, hoping it would loosen its grip on the dwarf. As she fought, behind her, Blackwall went flying, slamming into the cave wall with an almighty crash.

"Blackwall?" Carver yelled, surrounded by tentacles, not ready to become the next victim without a fight.

"I'm ok!" he yelled out, trying to get his wits about him, and his breath back. He pushed himself off the ground and ran towards Carver, trying to help him get out of trouble. In the meantime, Cassandra had finally thoroughly cut up the tentacle, and it had let go of Varric, who was now on the floor, curled in a ball and holding his arm, moaning. Cassandra knelt down and touched him gently.

"It's broken," he moaned, moving his good arm to show a bone protruding out of his forearm.

"Fuck. Can you get behind the boulder yourself?" she asked, giving him a concerned look.

"Yes. We need to retreat, Seeker."

"It's too late Varric, let us finish this!" she said, before standing up and running back into the action. Varric dragged himself back behind the boulder, only to notice the dog was long gone.

Carver managed to break away from the fight and ram his sword directly into the broodmother, causing her to let out an awful, deafening howl. Carver struggled, trying to pull his sword out, but it was lodged too deep, and he was forced to abandon his weapon before she had the chance to attack him. He raced back and grabbed Varric's crossbow, then looked around in a panic, trying to find him. He saw a boot sticking out from behind the boulder and ran to him.

"Varric, how do I use this?" he said in a panic, hearing Cassandra and Blackwall both let out screams.

"Just put the bolts in and shoot!" he said, leaning forward so that Carver could grab the bolts resting behind him.

Carver gave him another nod and ran out, shooting wildly, hoping to get a good hit.

The three of them became exhausted quickly. They had only taken down a few of her tentacles, and while she was wounded, she still had a lot of fight in her.

“How many arms do these things typically have?” Blackwall shouted to Carver, who’d just shaken himself free of another one.

“It’s not the number of arms I find most disconcerting…” Varric muttered from behind the boulder.

"We need to retreat!" Blackwall called out.

"How? She won't let us go!" Cassandra shouted back.

"I'll distract her! It's my fault we didn't get more help!" Carver said, running seriously low on crossbow bolts.

"I can't come back and tell Hawke her brother is dead, Carver!" Cassandra said as she stabbed at the tentacle. It flung itself around and knocked Cass down. She held her sword up in fear as it positioned itself to slam down and crush her. As it steadied itself and began to put its full force into crushing her, Cassandra felt a healing barrier engulf her, making her feel suddenly safe and...weirdly relaxed. Like everything was going to be okay, even though her brain was telling her it absolutely wasn’t. The arm attempted to crash down upon her, only to bounce off of the boundary surrounding her.

An odd-looking arrow went flying towards the tentacle, giving it one final blow before it landed, still, on the ground.

Alarion raced forward and pulled Carver's sword out of the broodmother, as Anders began to place wards around the others so that the last few tentacles couldn't sneak up on them.

He stomped over to Varric and slammed his bone back into place before Varric could even register what was happening, causing him to yelp in pain. Anders did his best to use his healing powers on Varric, helping his bone mend enough that he could work Bianca again.

"I've never been so happy to see you, Blondie," he said in appreciation, once panacea had taken its full effect. He stood up and ran into the fight, trying to retrieve as many stray bolts as he could find along the way to a better position for firing at the thing.

"I have a plan!" Alarion yelled, "Keep her busy!"

Alarion and Carver raced towards the broodmother while the others did their part battling the remaining tentacles and Anders did his part keeping them all alive. Alarion got to her first, yanking Carver’s sword out from where it was lodged in her horrifying mid-section, and began scaling her, using the sword and his dagger as climbing picks. Carver stood there, weaponless, frowning up at him, and just began kicking angrily at the monster in front of him. Alarion nodded down at Carver as he slammed his heavy sword into the broodmother’s skull and swung down on it, using his full weight to cleave her head in half down to what he hoped was her spine.

Her body flailed aggressively, flinging them both off as they scrambled away, black blood from her head began spraying everywhere, covering everyone in a layer of rotten smelling gunk.

After disentangling themselves from the remaining parts of the dead monster, they stood looking at each other wide-eyed as the ichor dripped down them when the silence was broken by Vince bounding in with an arm bone...or was it a leg?

"Put that down!" Cassandra yelled at him. She rushed forward to snatch it out his mouth, only to find he had an iron grip on it. She let go and threw her hands up, before turning back to the two fugitives who had just saved their lives. Who happened to be kissing each other passionately like the cover of one of her favorite romance novels.

"They are fugitives! They need to come back with us!" She said, stomping towards them.

"A fugitive who saved your life," Varric corrected, "and mine, and Cullen’s," he added.

She pursed her lips and looked at him, then at Alarion.

"But what about him?" she asked, turning to Varric. “He’s a spy...he kidnapped an Inquisition ambassador!”

"Dorian let him go," Varric clarified. “Didn’t he?”

Alarion and Anders both nodded a bit sheepishly.

"I...thank you both," she said, giving in, "but don't let me see you two again."

Anders nodded, and the two of them walked out of the cave.

"See what I was saying earlier?" Varric said, giving her a little nudge.

"Yes, I suppose."

"So, we have a wedding to attend?" Blackwall asked.

"We sure do!" Varric said excitedly, "I bet this fight will be nothing compared to their wedding!"

They began to walk out of the cave when Carver cleared his throat, causing them to turn around.

"I'd best get back to the other Wardens," he said, looking a little unsure.

"Like fuck, you will," Blackwall said, "You'll visit your sister, you know she misses you."

"Fiiiineee," Carver huffed. When they turned around, he allowed himself a little smile, excited to see his big sister again.


End file.
